


Shadows

by SisterDuffin



Category: Casualty (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-17 04:22:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20614934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SisterDuffin/pseuds/SisterDuffin
Summary: “I can’t fight anymore Duffy, I’m sorry.” — That’s all it took, a sentence to destroy Duffy’s world. Haunted by the memories of her past, Duffy must find a new way to cope but at what cost? [Deals with sensitive subject areas including the trauma of rape, alcohol use, casual sex and implied self-harm]





	1. Chapter 1

As she finished applying her lipstick in the mirror, Duffy stepped back to admire her reflection. For someone of fifty-seven, she still had it. Her red dress was quite short and low cut and although her breasts weren’t overly large, they did appear fuller due to the extra padding in her wonderbra. She looked hot, if she did say so herself. She finished the glass of wine and sat on the edge of the bed as she attempted to put on her heels.

Three days since her world fell apart. Seven-two hours since Charlie threw her out and told her he couldn’t fight anymore. She’d spent the last three days in a whirlwind of emotions but she was done moping about. In her daze of a broken heart, she’d forgotten to take her medication for several days. It didn’t help her fragile mind and she was instead, choosing to managing her emotions with other substances, alcohol being one of them.

She checked the contents of her handbag. Lipstick? Check.

Perfume? Check.

Room key? Check.

Credit card? Check.

Mobile phone? She looked around the room for her mobile. Where was it? She found it on the windowsill, where she’d left it. There were several unanswered phone calls and texts to Charlie, all of which had been rejected or ignored. She put her phone back in her handbag and doubled checked the contents again. Once satisfied that she had everything, Duffy left the hotel room and headed to town. 

The first bar she comes across, she discards immediately when she realises she’d probably be the oldest individual in the room. The second bar is much better, quieter, gives her time to think.(not that she wanted to think) That was the whole reason she’d gone out, to shut her mind up for a while. She sat in the corner of the bar, the more she moved on the barstool, the higher her dress rose, exposing her thighs.

“A double vodka, please.”

Within ten minutes she’d finished the contents of one glass of vodka, two tequila shots and was now drinking the contents of her second glass. Duffy knew better than to mix her drinks but she no longer cared. She’d lost the only thing worth caring about when Charlie threw her out. She ran a hand down the stem of her wine glass, a soft yet audible sigh escaped her lips.

As the hours passed, Duffy increased her alcohol consumption although she did “pace” herself. It was one-thirty and she knew, she had to call it a night but just as she was about to get off the bar stool to go home, a young gentleman sat beside her.

“Can I buy you a drink?”

She studied him for a couple of seconds, her teeth biting her lower lip. She rose an eyebrow and answered; “aren’t I old enough to be your grandmother?”

“Of course not, you’re not _that_ old.” He laughed and held his hand out, “I’m Kyle. What are you drinking?”

Kyle was young, late twenties, early thirties at a push. Tall, dark haired. Not her usual type but she wanted something to fill the gap, the loneliness she was feeling.

“Lisa.” She placed her hand in his and shook his hand, “a white wine would be great thank you.”

A couple of minutes later, Kyle placed the wine glass in front of her and studied the older woman. She was beautiful. The dress had moved up her thighs further, exposing the top of her thighs. Kyle bit his lip as he thought about running his hands up and down her inner thighs, how soft her skin would feel underneath his fingertips. As she moved forward, Kyle got an eyeful of cleavage and he took a deep breath in. God, she was something else entirely. Older woman or not, he wasn’t walking away from her tonight.

“Thank you,” Duffy smiled as she picked up the drink and took a sip. She could feel his gaze on her and she felt a little hot. Her cheeks began to burn and she took another mouthful of wine.

“If you don’t mind me saying, you’re very beautiful.” Kyle lent towards her and whispered in her ear. She closed her eyes as she felt his breath on her skin and laughed softly. Her cheeks began to turn red. Being told she was beautiful always made her blush and be embarrassed.

“Hmm, I think someone’s got their beer goggles on.” She teased lightly as she reopened her eyes and met the gentleman’s gaze. Maybe she was drunk. Maybe it was loneliness but her heart did skip a beat as she held his gaze.

“You’re not so bad yourself.” She smiled. It surprised her how she was able to string a sentence together despite the amount of alcohol running through her veins. Duffy ran her hand up and down the stem of her wine glass and almost choked on the liquid when Kyle clearly confident, decided to try his luck.

“You can do that to me any time.”

She swallowed and wiped the wine from her mouth with the back of her hand. Did he really just say that? She turned her head slightly, “if you play your cards right, you might get more than that.”

Duffy placed her hand on the top of his thigh. Kyle finished the remains of his drink and looked down at her hand on his thigh. With a small smirk, he placed his hand over hers and moved it closer to his groin. Duffy swallowed again as the palm of her hand felt his hardened penis. Kyle lent forward and whispered in her ear, “that’s what you do to guys like me. Make us hard.”

She bit her lip as she met his gaze once more and gave him a small squeeze. Releasing her hand, she downed the contents of her glass and stood up. She stumbled slightly but lent down and whispered in his ear, “I might be able to sort out that _little_ problem, of yours. Meet me outside, five minutes?”

Five minutes later, she was waiting behind the back of the bar, lent against the wall with her arms folded across her chest. It was cold, she was feeling the chill despite the amount she’d drank. She rubbed her hands up and down her arms, licking her bottom lip, wondering if he was actually going to show.

“I didn’t think you were coming.” She giggled childishly at her choice of her words. He’d be coming when she’d finished with him. Kyle backed her into the wall and placed his hands either side of her. Edging his mouth closer to hers, he teased her for a second before he kissed her. She closed her eyes as she returned the kiss, her hands immediately moving to his trousers. It wasn’t long before they were engaging in a passionate fuck behind the club, her back against the wall, legs around his waist.

As much as it filled the emptiness that she was feeling, he wasn’t Charlie. Kyle couldn’t fuck her as well as Charlie could. He couldn’t make her come either. She groaned as she felt Kyle reach his peak and his warm semen fill her. Breathing heavily, she slowly released her legs from around his waist and moved herself off the wall. She began to sort herself out, rearranging her dress and underwear.

“Do I get your number?” Kyle asked as he too, sorted himself out and zipped up his trousers. Fastening his belt, he caught her gaze.

She smiled as she bent down to retrieve her handbag. She took out her eyeliner pencil, “hold out your hand.”

Kyle obeyed her instructions and held out his hand. Duffy scribbled down her phone number on his hand in her eyeliner before placing the pencil back in her bag. She lent up and kissed his cheek, “goodbye Kyle, I had a great night. Thank you.”

As she began to walk away, the reality of the situation began to dawn on her. She felt like shit, the situation she’d participated in, crushing her heart. She’d shagged a complete stranger, she allowed a complete stranger to…. she threw up in the bush before she flagged down a passing cab. She held off crying in the taxi on the way to the hotel, engaging in small talk with the taxi driver. It was only when she closed the door to her hotel room, did Duffy break down in tears. Sitting in the corner of the shower, she scrubbed her skin until it was red raw, until she felt clean again.


	2. Chapter 2

Duffy first woke just after seven because she’d passed out on her right arm and it was numb. She stirred, lifting her arm up only for it to flop back down. It took a couple of minutes but the blood began to rush back through her arm. She grimaced, it was such an odd feeling. A couple of minutes later, Duffy was asleep again, curled up in the fetus position.

She woke at nine, groaning as she slowly opened her eyes. She felt awful, the room was spinning slightly and she felt sore. She sat up in bed, pulling the duvet higher up, goosebumps and red blotches visible on her skin. The feeling of nausea travelled and curled its way up her insides and she darted out of bed, instantly regretting her decision too when she caught her hip against the bedside table. Duffy cursed and stumbled towards the bathroom before she crouched down in front of the toilet. Emptying the contents of her stomach, she groaned, how much did she have to drink last night?

She threw up again. Duffy couldn’t remember much of her night, there were blanks in the majority of the evening, the last thing she remembered was sitting at the bar around half one. That’s when she’d decided to call it a night, wasn’t it? She threw up another three times before she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and stood up.

A few minutes later, she was back in the bedroom. She’d caught sight of her reflection in the mirror in the bathroom and couldn’t believe how tired she looked. The bags under her eyes were massive. She’d also lost a bit of weight in three days which wasn’t surprising seeing as she’d barely eaten. She rubbed her forehead as she glanced at the clock.

9:23

She lay down on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She hated this. She hated feeling so — _inadequate_. Her phone vibrated and her heart skipped a beat. Was it Charlie? Did he want to talk? She moved to grab her handbag, trying to find the phone. Picking it up, she frowned at the screen when it wasn’t Charlie’s number or name that flashed upon the screen but an unsaved number.

_Hope you slept well, gorgeous x_

She frowned as she read and reread the text message. It was only a few minutes later, that her eyes widened and she dropped the phone to the floor in shock as a fragment of last night became clear. The young lad, the alley…

She swallowed the nauseous feeling and closed her eyes. She placed the back of her hand against her mouth as she began to sob. That would explain the red blotches on her skin, it would also explain the feeling down _there_….

She dashed to the bathroom again and threw up once more although there was nothing left to expel. She sobbed loudly, feeling utterly broken. She’d been broken numerous times over the years - she always dusted herself off and arranged the pieces back together but this time was different. This time she didn’t have the energy or the strength. Duffy curled up in a ball by the toilet and cried, wondering how she was ever going to survive this but knowing, ultimately — she probably couldn’t.

By nine thirty that evening, she’d regained some composure of herself. She’d somehow managed to find the strength to shower, to dress and to put on her makeup. She’d returned to the bar she was at last night although she’d found a table in the corner. She hoped it was away from prying eyes and horny young men. She finished her glass of wine and poured herself a second glass, watching the world go by. The hours ticked by and it was only when she stood up to go to the bathroom, that she began to feel funny. She took a deep breath and placed her hand to her chest. It wasn’t a panic attack she was about to have, it felt different. Her heart was thumping, the palpitations making her feel sick. She reached the bathroom and a young girl studied her closely as Duffy reached the sinks.

“You a’right?”

Duffy closed her eyes, took a deep breath and nodded.

“Fine thanks.”

The young girl didn’t believe her and watched her closely in the mirror as she finished applying her mascara.

“Do you want some water?”

There was a loud thud as the young girl placed her bag beside the sink. As she opened it, she took out a bottle of water and handed it to her. Duffy took it, smiled and unscrewed the kid as she began to take a few sips of water. The girl continued to study her through the mirror and upon noticing her complexion become whiter, decided to get her to sit down.

“Will you sit down for me? You look like you’re going to fall down any minute.” She guided Duffy to sit on the lid of the toilet. Duffy wanted to protest but was too tired and washed out too. As she sat, Duffy closed her eyes for a minute.

“Have you taken anything?” The girl asked as she gently touched the inside of her wrist, discreetly attempting to take her pulse.

Duffy shook her head, “what kind of person do you think I am?”

“It’s not my place to judge the choices others make.” The girl answered as she removed her hand from her wrist. “Do you want me to call you a taxi?”

She shook her head, “I’m fine. I just need to—-“ she didn’t get chance to finish the sentence before she passed out, hitting the floor, the water going everywhere.


	3. Chapter 3

Duffy didn’t come round straight away, which worried the young girl. She tried to put her in the recovery position although it was a task and a half because of the cubicle. Thankfully she wasn’t alone in the toilets with her for long before another girl came in and the bouncers were alerted.

An ambulance was called and Lucinda, the girl stayed by her side. She was currently taking her pulse again, noticing it was faster than she liked. She chewed her lower lip, writing the reading on her wrist in eyeliner pencil for when the paramedics arrived. About five minutes later, Duffy began to wake and she sat up suddenly, instantly regretting it when she felt sick and light headed again.

“What happened?” Duffy asked as she tried to get to her feet

“You passed out,” Lucinda replied, “your pulse is way too fast. An ambulance has been called….”

“An ambulance?” She shook her head. “I don’t need one. I’m fine. An ambulance is just a waste of everyone’s time.” 

“I really think you should get checked over. You’re not looking well and your pulse is at least double what it should be.”

Duffy scoffed. She didn’t need a kid to tell her what to do. She was fine.

“You’re just a kid who doesn’t know anything.”

Lucinda sighed, “I’m a Doctor. I do think medically you should be checked.”

“I’m fine!!” She snapped and closed her eyes as she heard the door open and two familiar voices that she knew belonged to Ruby and Iain.

“Had reports of someone been found collapsed in here.” Iain was saying as they entered the bathroom. Lucinda glanced at Duffy and straightened up, “I called the ambulance.”

Duffy sighed as she sat on the lid of the toilet, her handbag by her feet. Iain looked at Lucinda and smiled sadly, “are you the one injured?”

She didn’t answer straight away, instead she glanced towards the cubicle. Ruby followed her gaze and walked towards the cubicle.

“I don’t know her name, she fainted. Took about five-six minutes to come round again, she’s tachycardic at 140. Refusing to be seen medically although I have advised that she does seek medical attention.”

Ruby knocked on the cubicle door although it was open, “Hello?”

Duffy didn’t want to be seen by anyone, least of all anyone who she worked with and who had all discovered her deceit. How she was a cheap whore for sleeping with Bill.

Ruby stood directly in front of the figure and bent down, “are you injured anywhere?”

Duffy looked up and met Ruby’s eye. Ruby swallowed.

“Iain…. Iain it’s… Duffy.”

Within a couple of seconds, Iain was by Ruby’s side. He was very surprised to find Duffy wearing a skimpy dress, sat on the top of the toilet. “Duffy?”

“I’m fine.” She stood up, trying to indicate that she was okay when she reached to hold the wall.

“Let us check you over in the ambulance.” Iain suggested. He had so many questions of why she was out in the outfit she was, and why was she in a well known club. He never had her down as the partying type. She was always too.. _sensible_. He tried to place a protective hand on her arm and she glared at him and snatched her arm away.

“I’m perfectly capable of walking!”

Both paramedics sighed but were relieved that she didn’t protest about going into the ambulance. Although she usually would’ve protested, Duffy realised that by going to the ambulance, she wouldn’t be stared at by everyone. She dropped her bag to the floor as she sat on the seat.

“Have you drank anything tonight?” Ruby asked.

“Obviously, you found me in a club.”

“How much have you had to drink?”

Duffy shrugged. “Couple of vodkas, a few tequilas.” Iain was surprised, he never had her down as a shot drinker. She was silent for a moment, unsure how to ask or even word the next question.

“Have you taken anything other than alcohol?”

Duffy glared again, furious at the question. Did she really look like the type of person to take illegal substances?

“You know we’ve got to ask, Duffy. All part of the job.” Iain told her.

“Can we check you over?”

Duffy sighed and nodded. The quicker they checked her over, the quicker she could get out of this ambulance and have another drink.

“Thank you.”

Ruby stood up and they did the basic observations on her. Her pulse was faster than the normal range, her blood pressure was slightly on the lower end of the spectrum. “Can I do an ecg?”

Duffy sighed and nodded, before she glanced at Iain, suddenly feeling exposed. Ruby followed her gaze and asked Iain if he didn’t mind, facing the other way until they were finished. Duffy watched Ruby attach the ecg to her. She was silent, non-talkative. She felt embarrassed to be found in this situation. Drunk and dressed like a whore. Ruby didn’t like the look of something on the ecg. It was probably nothing but she thought it was better to be checked over at the hospital.

“We need to take you to hospital.”

Duffy shook her head, “not a chance.”

“Your pulse is too high and your blood pressure is slightly low. I think it would be better if you were to be checked by a doctor.”

“No!” Duffy shook her head, “I’m not going to the hospital!”

“I think you may be dehydrated. When was the last time you ate, or drank something that wasn’t alcohol?”

Duffy rolled her eyes and unhooked herself from the machine, “I don’t need to answer to you!” She snapped. Iain sighed. Christ, Duffy was feisty when she wanted to be.

“We’re just trying to help you, Duffy.”

“I’m perfectly fine, I don’t need your help!!” She grabbed her bag off the floor and left the ambulance, “now piss off!” She shouted as she walked down the street. She didn’t get very far before she collapsed again. Iain and Ruby sighed, this was going to be a long night.


	4. Chapter 4

“This is Lisa Duffin, fifty-seven. She was found collapsed in a bar in town. On arrival was conscious and alert. Tachy at 140, bp is 60/80, temp and BM within normal range. Refused to be admitted but collapsed for a second time on leaving the ambulance. She’s very…” Iain paused thinking the best words to describe her, “hostile and reluctant to be treated.”

Duffy rolled her eyes, her arms folded across her chest. She childishly mimicked Iain, still highly pissed off at having to be here. At Holby, the same place she was trying to escape from. She moved over to the other bed in the cubicle before she was even asked to and unfolded her arms from her chest.

“Is this really necessary?” She asked, “like I told those pair of imbeciles, I’m perfectly fine!”

Alicia mouthed thank you at Iain and Ruby and moved to the end of the bed. She smiled sadly at Duffy. She was about to say something when Duffy asked, “Can I discharge myself? I don’t need to be here.”

“Please allow me to run a few tests. Find out the reason you keep fainting?”

She sighed, “I haven’t eaten in a few days.”

She didn’t know why she wanted to talk around Alicia. She didn’t feel the need to hide how she felt. Alicia was the only person. Apart from Charlie that she felt she could trust. She began to fiddle with a thread on the bedsheet.

“How long is a few days?”

She shrugged. If she was honest, she wasn’t sure, since she’d split up Charlie all her days had merged into one. Alicia sighed and for a minute didn’t say anything.

“Can I run those tests?”

For around three minutes, there was no acknowledgement that Duffy had heard what Alicia had said. When she caught her gaze, Duffy nodded.

“As long as it’s just you and not every Tom, Dick and Harry.”

Alicia smiled warmly and nodded, “you’ve got my word ok? Just me.”

“Thank you.”

Duffy glanced at the clock, 01:15. It was going to be a long night. She rested her head against the pillow and closed her eyes. She rested her eyes for a while, just thinking about everything that had occurred over the last few days and weeks. She opened her eyes slowly and sat up. She needed the toilet and so moved to the edge of the bed. Standing up, she held onto the side of the bed to steady herself before leaving the cubicle. She returned about ten minutes later and settled herself back on the bed.

“There you are, I thought you’d done a runner.” She turned to the voice and smiled weakly at Alicia.

“I needed the bathroom.”

“I’m just going to take your obs again, if that’s ok?”

Duffy nodded and sat properly on the bed. Alicia stepped forward to her and gently took her wrist in her hand, feeling for her pulse. She took her pulse and timed it, noticing it was still the same as earlier. Following the pulse rate, she took her blood pressure alongside the usual observations and recorded them on the iPad.

“Your pulse is still too high, I’d like to run some blood tests if that’s ok?”

Duffy nodded, giving consent for her bloods to be taken. Alicia places the iPad on the side and disappeared for the trolley. She returned a couple of minutes later. There was a comfortable, somewhat peaceful silence between the two woman as Duffy moved her arm for Alicia.

“I heard about you and Charlie.” Alicia said gently, “how are you holding up?”

She ignored the question about herself and answered; “Does everyone know what a slapper, I am?.” It wasn’t a question, merely a statement. Charlie had been working in this team a lot longer than she had, and therefore had probably gained a lot more respect of people.

Alicia sighed, just as Duffy flinched a little feeling the needle enter her vein.

“Sorry, I should’ve pre-warned you about the sharp scratch.”

Duffy laughed but there wasn’t any humour behind the laugh. Alicia took what blood she needed and said gently, “I’m going to cannulate you now, that way I don’t have to keep using you as a pin cushion.”

Duffy smiled as she watched her cannulate her. She had to resist the urge to fiddle with it, knowing that fiddling with it would only increase her risk of infection.

“I’ll get these sent off to the lab, and hopefully we’ll get to the bottom of what’s going on. How are you feeling?”

Duffy nodded a few times as she listened to Alicia explain what she was going to do. She put her hand back under the blanket and answered, “tired. Other than that, I feel ok.” That was the truth, she did feel ok. Slightly sick and her chest felt tight, (she could feel the palpitations) but she was ok. Better than she was.

Alicia nodded, “is there anyone you want me to call for you? A friend… Charlie? Anyone at all?”

She smiled sadly at her husband’s name and shook her head. There was no one she needed to contact. There was no one who cared.

“No thank you.”

Alicia nodded again and picked up the tray. She moved to the end of the cubicle and answered, “you should try and rest, it’ll be a few hours before the results are back yet.” She stepped out of the cubicle, closed the curtain behind her and walked away. Duffy pulled the blanket higher up her body, covering herself further and closed her eyes. A few minutes later she was asleep once again curled up on her side, her comfiest position to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Alicia had suspected dehydration as soon as Duffy was admitted to the department, but had to wait for the blood tests to determine that it was. The results came in just after Alicia had, had a break and she went to the cubicle.

She opened the curtain and smiled sadly. Duffy was asleep, her hair in her face, one hand wrapped around the blanket. She closed the curtain and stepped towards the bed.

“Duffy?” Alicia called quietly only to receive no response.

“Duffy?” She called her again, slightly louder but still didn’t get a response. However, as soon as Alicia placed her hand against Duffy’s shoulder to shake her lightly, the older of the two shot awake, her breathing fast. Alicia jumped back, startled at Duffy’s reaction and removed her hand from her shoulder. Duffy took a deep breathe in, she’d been dreaming of something and Alicia’s touch had snapped her out of that.

“I didn’t mean to startle you,” Duffy said to Alicia when she’d gathered her breath back.

Alicia shook her head, “you didn’t, not really.” She paused, “I came to tell you, I’ve got your blood results back.”

“And?” As soon as she asked the question, Duffy yawned.

“As I suspected, you’re dehydrated. I’ll need to give you fluids in order to hydrate you.”

Duffy nodded, she’d suspected dehydration herself, especially the last couple of hours when she had nothing to do but think.

“I’ll go and get your fluids and then I’ll leave you to get some more rest.”

She nodded again. Dehydration wasn’t so bad, she’d only need a bag of fluid before being sent on her way. She could’ve done that at home, she really hadn’t required hospital services had she? Before she knew it, Alicia had returned and set her up on the drip.

“I’ll redo your bloods at the end of this and depending on the results means you are able to go home or not.”

She nodded and yawned again, closing her eyes for a second. Alicia smiled as she left her to rest, drawing the curtain around the bay as she moved on to deal with another patient.

After been woken, mid nightmare by Alicia, Duffy struggled to sleep. She was tired, wanted nothing more to go back to sleep but her mind kept replaying over the same scenario, over and over again. She closed her eyes and opened them quickly, looking down at the drip in her hand. She sighed. Trust her to become dehydrated. She rubbed her forehead and yawned again, frustrated at her lack of ability to settle. She closed her eyes, hoping that if she kept them closed, she might dose off.

Alicia picked up her plastic coffee cup from the side, downed the contents and disposed the plastic in one of the recycling bins. She sighed as she took herself to the admin area in the middle of cubicles and picked up Duffy’s file. It was in the file that mentioned she’d previously been prescribed antidepressants but there was no mention of those antidepressants when Duffy presented to the ED with her previous fall, a couple of weeks back. Alicia was obviously concerned for Duffy’s well-being. The fact she was dehydrated was a good indication she hadn’t been looking after herself as well as she could. Not to mention it was possible she was using alcohol as an emotional support, following her split from Charlie. Alicia wasn’t sure how best to broach the situation- Duffy’s earlier attitude with Iain and Ruby for doing their job, made Alicia slightly afraid. Still, she was a doctor and if she had any concerns about her patient, she’d deal with them. Regardless of who her patient was.

Forty minutes after putting up the drip, Alicia returned to check on Duffy’s progress. Duffy was still awake, fiddling with the ends of a blanket watching the drip go to work. She sighed and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Can I get you anything?”

Duffy shook her head, “no thank you.”

There was a silence as Alicia stepped towards the end of the bed. “I’ve been reading your notes..”

“And…?”

Alicia cleared her throat nervously. “Well, three months ago you were diagnosed with depression and prescribed fluoxetine. But when you had your fall, there was no mention of your medication or your previous diagnosis.”

“What are you getting at Alicia?” Duffy’s tone was abrupt and sharp. Alicia sighed, this wasn’t going to be an easy task.

“Are you still on the medication?”

Duffy didn’t answer for a couple of minutes, “that’s none of your business.”

“As your….”

“It’s none of your business!” She reiterated, “and I’m not prepared to discuss the matter further. Now I’d appreciate it if you left.”

She sighed, “Duffy. I’m only trying…”

“To help?” Duffy scoffed. “No one can possibly help! Now go away.”

Alicia sighed, nodded and turned to leave the cubicle. She’d heard all about Duffy’s stubborn streak, had witnessed it several times at work but there was something slightly, uneasy about her current stubbornness.

At around six-fifteen, Duffy’s drip was changed and she was having her second lot of IV fluids. There was still a tense atmosphere between two women, Duffy refusing to acknowledge Alicia when she was spoken too. She knew it was rude but for Duffy it was also a way of keeping her at a distance, she couldn’t let her get too close to the truth. Alicia was sat, chewing her lower lip, repeatedly clicking her pen, a form in front of her. She was considering a referral to the mental health team but she wasn’t sure.

“Morning,” There was a gentle squeeze to her shoulder as Ethan arrived with a coffee. He placed it on the desk in front of her. “You look like you could do with a coffee.”

She smiled at Ethan and glanced at the clock. “Thanks, you’re here early.” She commented noticing the time and that he wasn’t due to start until 7.

“I had a few things to do beforehand. Are you ok?” He gestured towards the form on the desk.

She nodded and picked up the coffee, took a large sip and sighed. “I’ve just got a difficult patient that’s all.”

“Talk me through it? What makes you think a referral is necessary?”

Alicia cupped the plastic cup in her hands and answered, “female admitted with severe dehydration after collapsing twice. Clear signs of alcohol abuse and possible self-harm. Was diagnosed with depression three months ago but..” she sighed, “There was no mention of this in her previous ED attendance which was only a matter of weeks ago.”

“I’ve assuming you’ve tried talking to the patient?”

“Yeah but she’s not the kind of person to listen to what you’ve got to say.” Alicia replied, taking another sip of her drink.

Ethan laughed, “stubborn?”

“Very.” There was a comfortable silence before Ethan spoke.

“You know the patient better than I do but if you feel a referral is necessary, I’d go ahead.” He smiled, “I’ll leave you to get on.”

As he walked away, Alicia glanced over at the cubicle Duffy was in, down at her form, took a deep breath and then decided to fill it in.


	6. Chapter 6

“Duffy?”

She was sat on the end of the bed, legs crossed, looking at the drip in her hand. She was exhausted, having spent hours in here but at least she was beginning to feel a little better. Not as sick or as light headed either. She knew she didn’t have long left until she was able to go home, not that the hotel was home but she needed a shower and an attempt at sleeping. She looked up and smiled slightly at Alicia.

“Yes Alicia?”

Alicia took a deep breath. “I’m happy to discharge you once the drip has finished. The repeat bloods were okay and your pulse has reduced which is a good sign. It was most likely dehydration that caused the fainting episodes.”

She nodded listening to the doctor. “Why do I feel there is a but coming?”

Alicia smiled sadly, “I’ve… asked for someone from the mental health team to come down and talk to you.”

Hearing that the mental health team were coming to talk to her, panicked her. She wasn’t ill. She was just going through a bit of a tough time but she wasn’t depressed. People like her were never depressed.

“You’ve done what?!”

“I’ve asked for someone from the mental health team to talk to you.”

“You’ve done a referral without my consent?”

“Not a referral as such.” She took out the form from her scrub pocket and handed it to Duffy, “I wanted to discuss the possible of a referral with you before I sent it.”

Duffy reached out and snatched the form from Alicia, “your suggestion that I may need some sort of input from the mental health team is absolutely absurd.”

“It was merely…”

“what? A suggestion? I do not need to see anyone! I’m fine!”

She tore the paper and handed it back to Alicia in four pieces. “I suggest you call off the mental health team or I’ll self-discharge.”

Alicia sighed, why couldn’t Duffy see that she was doing her job and covering every angle. She put the form back in her pocket.

“As your doctor, I believe seeing the mental health team is in your best interests and I stick by my decision. Whether you consent or not to the referral, I do intend on making it.”

Duffy swallowed. Why was she insistent on making things difficult for her? Why was everyone making things difficult for her?

“I want to discharge myself please.”

Alicia sighed and nodded, “I’ll go and get the relevant forms.”

Alicia left the cubicle and Duffy brushed a tear from her cheek which was soon followed by another one. She needed to get away from here. She moved to the edge of the bed and looked down at the drip in her arm. She disconnected the drip and left, heading to the bathroom. The only place she knew she was safe. As soon as she closed the door behind her, she burst into tears and sat on the floor inside the cubicle, hugging her knees tightly.

She didn’t know how long she’d been sat there, crying into her knees. She was tired of this, of fighting a battle with her mind that she never thought she’d ever beat. But she wouldn’t admit she needed help because she was scared. What if she was honest about her feelings and they sectioned her? She couldn’t lose the one thing that had always kept her going, her job. She also couldn’t lose her identity either. She ran her fingernails up and down the top of her thigh before digging her nails into her skin, biting her lip a little. She needed a release and doing this seemed to help. She did it twice, moving her hand away to inspect her work, finding the marks against her skin somehow made her feel much more peaceful. She attempted to do it again when the door to the bathroom opened and there was movement. She stood up, flushed the chain and slid the lock on the cubicle. As she washed her hands, she caught her reflection in the mirror and sighed. How had she got to this point in her life?

Duffy headed back to the cubicle, moving a piece of hair behind her ear. She sat on the edge of the bed, waiting for Alicia to return with the self-discharge forms. It felt like she’d been sat there for ages, fiddling with her hands in her lap, when somebody called her name.

“Lisa Duffin?”

She looked at the female who appeared to be around a similar age, brunette and slightly plump.

“Who wants to know?”

“I’m Elizabeth, I’m a Mental Health Nurse.” She held her hand out. Duffy just looked at Elizabeth’s hand and didn’t take the bait to shake hands.

“Doctor Munroe asked me to come and speak with you today, is that ok?”

Duffy closed her eyes. God, she sounded so patronising. Reopening her eyes, she met the gaze of the woman and replied; “not really.”

“Why not?”

Duffy rolled her eyes. Were mental health nurses always so nosey?

“I have better things to do with my time.”

“Like what?”

Christ. She knew as a nurse there was an element of questioning patients but this was something else entirely.

“Last time I checked, I didn’t have to disclose anything to you. Nor did I have to answer your questions either.”

Wherever Duffy was saying was clearly not being listened to by the woman from the team, “Doctor Munroe tells me that….”

Duffy sighed dramatically, “Doctor Munroe is a lovely Doctor but has no clue what she’s talking about in regards to this situation. She had no right to make a referral without my consent.”

“Can I call you Lisa?”

“Err, no I’d rather you didn’t, thank you.” She paused, “I’d also appreciate it if you left me alone.”

“I’m only here to ask a couple of questions.”

“And you can shove those questions somewhere the sun doesn’t shine.” She responded, “now I won’t tell you again. I do not have anything to say to you, and I’m only going to say this once — go away!”

Elizabeth sighed and stepped away from Duffy and the cubicle. Well, that hadn’t gone to plan. She walked towards the nurses station and smiled sadly at Alicia.

“How did it go?” She asked and Elizabeth laughed gently.

“Basically told me to piss off but in nicer terminology.”

Alicia smiled sadly, “sorry.”

“It’s fine, it comes with the job. All I can do is write that we tried and see if she’ll accept another referral at a later date but I doubt it.”

Alicia nodded, “she’s ok to be discharged?”

“I have no evidence to say that she’s unsafe and a potential risk so yes, she’s safe to be discharged.” Elizabeth smiled, “I’ll see you later, no doubt our paths will cross again, sooner rather than later.” 


	7. Chapter 7

Alicia rested her head against the locker for a moment as she took a couple of minutes to reflect on today’s shift. It hasn’t been too difficult, it was a quiet shift until Duffy arrived at the ED and she definitely made the shift lively.

She removed her head from the locker and undid the bobble in her hair. Running her fingers through her hair, she changed her mind about wearing it down and replaced the bobble, putting her hair back into a ponytail. She opened up her locker and took out her bag, a change of clothes and left her bag on the side as she went to change.

Returning, she closed her locker and checked her phone. Apart from a few social media notifications, there was nothing worth responding too and Alicia shoved the phone into her coat pocket. She moved towards the door…

“Only just leaving? Didn’t your shift finish over an hour ago?”

Alicia turned slightly to Elle’s voice and smiled. She nodded, “I had a patient, wanted to see her care through to the end.”

“Have a good sleep.”

She laughed, “thanks Elle, have a good shift.” Alicia left the hospital and walked the short distance to the bus step, finding Duffy sat there. She smiled sadly as she sat beside her, nothing spoken for a couple of minutes, both of them watching the world go by. 

“Do you fancy getting a coffee or something to eat?”

Duffy shook her head.

“Can I get you a taxi home?”

She shook her head once more. Alicia ran her tongue over the lower of both lips and asked,

“What time is the bus due?”

“Twenty past.” Duffy answered quietly. Alicia nodded as she took out her phone and checked the time (they had seven minutes to wait)

Alicia glanced at Duffy but neither woman made eye contact with each other. She took a deep breath in, suddenly unsure of what to say, the tension between them seemed to increase every second.

“I know you don’t agree with what I did-“ Alicia started only to find herself cut off quickly by Duffy.

“Regarding the referral? No I think you were out of order.”

Alicia sighed and rubbed her forehead slightly, she was getting a headache from the lack of sleep and coffee withdrawal. “I was doing what I believed was right.”

“But you weren’t right, you were wrong!”

“That’s your opinion.” Alicia sighed. She didn’t want another argument, she didn’t have the energy. She took her bus pass from her pocket and answered, “I didn’t come over here for a row but to build bridges.”

Duffy scoffed, “build bridges? You’re having a laugh aren’t you?”

She stood up and stepped away from the bus stop which caused Alicia to roll her eyes and ask, “where are you going?”

“Changed my mind, I’m walking home.” Alicia watched as Duffy began to walk away. She sighed once again and put her hand to her forehead. If Duffy took her foot off the self-destruct button for a moment, she might just see that Alicia was trying to reach out to her.

It took Duffy forty minutes to get to the hotel from the hospital. As soon as she was back in her hotel room, she crawled into bed and threw the duvet over her. She fell asleep within seconds of her head hitting the pillow. The room to the hotel room was messy and in desperate need of a tidy. Clothes were strewn around the room, various empty bottles of wine and vodka littered the floor and there were other bits and pieces that indicated that Duffy wasn’t coping as well as she made out on the surface.

She slept until midday when the sound of her phone, interrupted her sleep. She groaned as she rolled over and sat up, rubbing her eyes. She searched for her phone, unable to locate it for a moment until she remembered where she’d thrown her bag when she got home. Reaching for her handbag. She took out her phone and saw the message.

_1 missed call: Charlie_

She bit her lip. So now he wanted to talk? She stared at his name for ages, still biting her lip. Her heart desperately wanted to reach out to him, to tell him everything but her mind didn’t want too. Her mind was desperately trying to protect her from what might happen if she did reach out. She typed out a couple of words, and hesitated for a moment before deleting the message.

She placed her phone back on the side and lent back against the headboard. She exhaled, hugging her knees tightly. She felt… empty. More empty than ever before. She began to quietly cry, her head against her knees. There was a knock at the door and she looked up for a second and decided to leave it. However, the knocking became more persistent.

“Duffy? I know you’re in there.”

She swallowed and moved off the bed. She hesitated but went to the door and opened it. Charlie was on the other side of the door, a concerned expression on his face. He was surprised to find her dressed in very little. A bit of her bra was showing over the top of the dress and he sighed. He did this to her, didn’t he? He broke her.

“How did you know where I was?”

“We have a joint bank account, remember?”

She sighed but didn’t say anything, just stepped aside and invited him into the room. As she closed the door behind him, she told him.

“You’d better make this quick, I haven’t got all day.”

He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, not saying anything for a minute before he asked, “Can we talk?”

“Talk?” She laughed. “About what?”

She stepped further into the room to the bottle of vodka on the side. It was only then that the state of the room and how she’d been living for the last few days became apparent. Charlie’s heart sank.

“Drink?” She asked as she poured herself a large vodka.

“No thanks.” She nodded and downed the vodka in one and proceeded to pour another glass. “You said you wanted to talk but you’ve not spoken much since you stepped into the room.”

“I-“ he began but she cut him off.

“You’re what? Sorry? Sorry for throwing me away like I was a piece of shit? Like I was nothing to you? I fucked up Charlie, I knew that but the way you treated me..”

“I was hurt! I was angry! You cheated on me Duffy!”

“I needed you and you weren’t there.” She answered back, “he was. He was someone to rely on because once again my husband chose work over me.”

“I didn’t realise you needed me.”

Duffy downed the second glass of vodka, “you should have! You’re my husband!! You should have known I needed you but once again, you put me second! Just like they all did! You were supposed to be different, Charlie!!”

The emotion was clear in her voice as she desperately tried to hold back her tears. Charlie sighed and stepped towards her but she stepped away from him.

“You see it too, don’t you?”

Charlie frowned, “see what?”

“How dirty and damaged I really am! You see it. That’s why you can’t bare to be around me, why you choose to spend some much time at work! Does it make you sick to look at me, to touch me knowing what he used to do to me.”

“No!” Charlie shook his head and stepped towards her.

“Liar!” She spat and went to push him away. He grabbed her wrist and she met his eye, her eyes pleading with him to let her go.

“Get off me!”

“No.” He continued to hold her wrist and eventually, she stopped resisting. He slowly released his grip from her wrist and she met his eye once again.

“What do you want?” She whispered.

“To talk.” He shrugged, “to apologise.”

She reluctantly agreed to hear him out and moved to the bed, sitting down.

“You’ve got five minutes.”


	8. Chapter 8

He sat down on the opposite side of her and studied her for a moment. She was a shadow of her former self, he didn’t recognise the woman he loved. He had noticed the scratches on her thighs earlier and felt sad, when had things got so bad for her?

“I didn’t give you a chance to explain.”

“No you didn’t. You just… walked away from everything we had.”

He sighed. He’d regretted it as soon as he said the words, which were said in anger and hast. As soon as he told her, he didn’t want to fight, he realised he did. The pain was still fresh and raw but he missed her terribly. His life had a dullness now she wasn’t in it.

“I was hurt.”

“And I wasn’t?”

Charlie sighed and rubbed the back of his neck again. “I… I couldn’t bare to think of you with him. And that’s all I could think about.”

She moved slightly closer to him and placed her hand on his knee, “I destroyed you Charlie and I’ll never forgive myself for that. I just… I wanted to explain. It wasn’t… as clear cut as me sleeping with Bill.”

He reached for her hand, “then tell me. Because this… this isn’t you.”

Duffy laughed slightly and stood up, “in all fairness, maybe you don’t know me as much as you thought.”

“The Duffy I know and love wouldn’t be doing this to herself.” He gestured around the room to the mess. She closed her eyes and bitterly replied;

“Maybe I’m not the Duffy you know and love anymore.”

“Don’t say that, please. We can…”

“What? Work through this?” She laughed and picked up the vodka, pouring herself half a glass. “Maybe I’m too tired. Maybe I physically can’t do this anymore.”

He watched her with the glass and wondered what she meant. “What are you saying, Duffy?”

“You did yourself a favour walking away from a train wreck like me.”

She finished the vodka and turned her attention to Charlie. She smiled sadly, “Goodbye Charlie.”

“Don’t do this.”

“I’m not the one who ended things.”

Charlie stood up and stepped towards her but she shook her head, wanting him to keep his distance from her. He sighed and turned to walk away, even though his heart was breaking and he was desperate to hold her again. He closed the door of the room and lent against it on the other side. He closed his eyes as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Inside the room, Duffy broke down in sobs. She didn’t want him to leave. She wanted him to stay, to hold her, to run his fingers through her hair and tell her she’d be ok. But it wasn’t ever going to be okay, was it? She was done. She was broken.

_Dear Charlie —_-

She sat on the bed with a pen and paper, thinking of something to write. She hoped things would be clearer if she wrote them down but now it had come to it, she wasn’t sure what to write. Her mind didn’t seem capable of stringing words together or conveying what she was trying to mean. She bit her lip as she put down the pen and traced her fingertips over the ink on the page. A few minutes later, she took the pen again and began to write.

_Dear Charlie,_

_When this letter reaches you, I will be gone. I’m sorry for hurting you and breaking your heart, believe me I never intended for that to happen. I don’t even remember my night with Bill. I just remember waking up in the morning and realising I made the biggest mistake of my life. However, maybe it was really a blessing in disguise. I won’t be your Duffy for much longer so maybe you walking away, did us both a favour. I will always love you Charlie Fairhead, you are the only man that I truly loved. Thank you for making me the happiest woman in the world for the last eighteen months._

_Yours forever_

_Duffy xxx_

Inside the envelope, she placed her wedding ring and sealed up in the envelope. Leaving it on the bed, she picked up her phone and left the hotel. There was no destination in mind, she just needed to leave. Being in this room, she felt suffocated, like the walls were closing in on her. As she closed the door behind her, she took a few steps down the corridor.

“Duffy?”

She stopped in her tracks and slowly turned around, “I thought I told you to leave me alone?”

Charlie stepped towards her, “I can’t.” He took a deep breath. “I can’t walk away.”

“Go….” her voice faltered and Charlie shook his head.

“No Duffy.” He stepped in front of her, “I’ve been an idiot..”

She swallowed and met his gaze. Their bodies now only inches apart and he placed his hand against her cheek. She closed her eyes and gently tilted her head closer to him.

“I lied.”

“About what?” She whispered.

“Giving up fighting.” She reopened her eyes, meeting his gaze. His eyes connected with hers. He gently reached down and kissed her lips tenderly. She didn’t return the kiss before she pulled away and whispered,

“I can’t do this.”

“Yes you can because you’re not doing this alone. We’re doing it together, like we always do everything. Whatever it is, we’ll do it together.”

Her bottom lip began to wobble as she buried her head into his chest. A sob escaped her and Charlie wrapped his arms around her.

“I’m so sorry.” He said softly as he held her. She hated to admit it but Charlie was the one she needed right now, the only one she ever needed. 


	9. Chapter 9

When she was crying in his arms, Charlie picked her up and carried her back to her room. They lay on the bed together, Duffy moving into him as closely as she could get, her hand gripping his shirt tightly and her head against his shoulder. He had one arm wrapped around her, keeping her close. They didn’t speak. They didn’t need too, the silence was comfortable. Duffy was listening to the sound of his breathing. Something that always managed to calm her down and refocus.

“Sorry,” she mumbled as she played with one of his buttons between her fingers.

“Ssh,” he answered back as he kissed the top of her head. “We’ll talk but only when you’re ready.”

She closed her eyes tightly and nodded. She unbuttoned two of his buttons and stroked his chest with her fingers. She always did feel calmer when she was touching him. He watched her as she unbuttoned the rest of his shirt and lay her head on his chest, instantly comforted by the sound of his heartbeat.

The seconds turned into minutes, the minutes into hours and still they stayed in that position. Neither of them spoke, Duffy’s fingers tracing patterns over Charlie’s chest.

“Charlie?”

“Hmm?”

“I…” She paused, feeling sick, the sickness curling its way around her insides. She continued to rest her head on Charlie’s chest. 

“You, what darling?”

His hand still ran through her hair and down her arm.

“I…” she tried again but still couldn’t bring herself to finish the sentence. To admit to herself and Charlie that she needed help.

He kissed the top of her head, reassuringly. Not rushing her, giving her plenty of time to think. She didn’t know how to word it, how to word her feelings and her thoughts.

“I haven’t felt myself for a while.”

Silence.

“I… Alicia. When, when she was raped and we all knew. I started… that’s when it started. The flashbacks, the lack of sleep. This— feeling that I couldn’t shake.”

More silence.

“I know you needed me, so I didn’t say anything. But it became harder, harder to pretend. Then Bill… he was just there, at the right time. And I swear, I swear to you Charlie, I never meant to hurt you. I don’t even remember.. you know… I just woke up beside him and I hated myself for hurting you.”

More silence.

“I can’t… do this without you Charlie, I can’t fight him inside my head without you holding me and telling me it’s going to be okay.”

Charlie still didn’t speak and Duffy sighed. Maybe this was it, maybe Charlie couldn’t find it in his heart to forgive her. She went to move out from Charlie but his arms around her, kept her in her current position.

“Charlie?”

He wrapped her arms around her tightly and whispered; “it’s all going to be okay sweetheart, I’ll make it alright.” He placed a kiss against the top of her head.

She closed her eyes at the kiss, a tear rolling down her cheek and onto his bare chest.

She was finally home.


End file.
